Went to see above-mentioned film on the weekend. First off let me take the opportunity to say, “Shove over d#@-head!”. The session I went to was the biggest of the 30 screens on offer, but it was still overcrowded. Which wouldn’t make me annoyed (well not in the same self-righteous sort of way) except that each group of people decided that everyone that didn’t belong to their little group was smelly or evil and left one seat between them and the next group of xenophobes.

So my friend and I were forced to split up and sit either side of one fat guy with a B.O. problem… no, I’m fibbing - we had to sit in the second row.

Thus begins the discussion of “Pirates of the Caribbean”, starring Orlando Bloom’s Nostrils, Johnny Depp’s Mascara, and Keira Knightley’s… pores. Don’t get me wrong - they’re beautiful pores (actually I will say this for the film - when you’re looking up at the pores of a real person and a CG character and they’re equally as detailed - it’s good CG), but no one should be forced to critically analyse an actor’s skin because of another person’s ignorance.

So on to the movie.

Seriously. Rant over.

What a ride! It was intense. I cannot tell how much of the dizziness I experienced was intentional on the part of Gore Verbinski and how much was my terrible seating (OK, enough now), but it was a fair spectacle. With stunning computer created creatures, and some terrific characters. I had heard that Johnny Depp was particularly good in this (and especially in the second half) - I don’t know. Johnny Depp does some marvellous work, but I just couldn’t like Jack Sparrow. In the first movie I remember liking him a lot, but in this he grated on me - which made the ending (and you’ll understand when you see it) particularly hard for me to believe.

The story is sprawling. I wasn’t aware going in that this is the second in what will be a trilogy, which gives the writers a lot of room to create multiple stories. And at three hours for this movie alone, they jam pack it full of stories. They go this way, they go that way, and there’s sword fighting, comical chases, and Depp doing that girly running. It’s all very good fun, but looking back it’s all a bit much.

And knowing that it is a two-parter might help some people deal with what I saw as the most annoying part of the whole film. After hours of crazy running and complicated plot twists, and a cast of characters that could sink a ship (get it?) instead of wrapping up, the film ends. NOTHING IS RESOLVED. As my mate put it - this is the longest teaser trailer for a movie ever made (Barring LOTR: FOTR and TT - which at least wrapped up the occasional sub-plot). It p##d me off that now I’ve invested three hours in this movie I’m forced to see the last one. How did I miss that it was split in two? I don’t know.

My mate thoroughly enjoyed himself. That’s a good endorsement to me. He enjoyed it ‘cause it followed so well from the original - bringing back favourite characters, and developing ideas that didn’t get fully explored. Oh, but read up on your pirate myths before you go. The stories of Davy Jones et al are kind of explained throughout, but with everything going on you might want to have a better understanding of how all the stories fit together… My exposure to the story of the Flying Dutchman is limited to episodes of Spongebob. And watch part one just before. I didn’t (can you tell) and I couldn’t remember what the hell anyone was talking about.

Pluses:

• Very fun

• Pirates (this may well be enough)

• Sword-fighting

• Returning characters

• Keira Knightley

• Johnny Depp (if you’re so inclined)

• Fantastic CG

Minuses

• Long

• Part two of three

• Pirates (yes this is a minus for some… they aren’t nice people)

• Keira Knightley’s massive chin (it’s only in one scene, so it’s not terrible)

So all up, I give it 24 ’s for being fun. And if you REALLY enjoyed the first one add another 10’s, but I’m adding 10 -’s away for not making it really obvious that it was gonna stop half way thr…